Communicating with Elderly Parents: Why is it More Difficult?
Cultivating Connection: Expert Tips for Caregiving and Bonding with Your Aging Parent
Hey Friends!
When your parents were younger and they had more independence you may have found it easier to connect with them. You may have had annual vacations, family reunions or holiday rituals. Some of you may have enjoyed cooking with your mother, bonding over the grill with your dad or looking up new recipes online. Others have enjoyed hiking in parks, riding bikes or playing tennis….BUT THEN….things started changing and those experiences couldn’t happen as they did before. You wondered when communicating with elderly parents became more difficult.
My parents rented a beach house each summer for many years. It was great fun and they were a big help with our babies and little kids. We played in the water, built sandcastles, went to the aquarium, ate seafood and went fishing. When my boys were a little older I began to notice that Mom and Dad were less helpful and needed more help. My husband and I were flip flopping between the needs of our boys and my parents. We had a few more summers of being sandwiched between the two generations before I finally realized it was just too much for all of us. It was difficult and sad to set that boundary.
Here is a photo of my parents. They look great, right? What you don’t see is how unsteady my dad was…sigh!
I’m sure you have a similar story and like you I didn’t want to give up this wonderful opportunity for us to be together and reconnect after a busy year of school, work and the boys extracurricular activities.
So how do we connect but also set limits and boundaries when our past experiences aren’t an option anymore?
Here’s an example of an ideal adjustment. It doesn’t usually go this way for most of you but it will give you the idea of how to reframe your activities with your parents.
One of my clients had similar religious and political views as her dad. They had attended church events together and went to political rallies. After his health failed they did a pivot and would watch their church service online together or discuss the sermon. They would watch the political debates and their favorite political news coverage.
Obviously if you have different religious and political views as your parents you’ll want to consider finding something else to discuss. If you try to participate in things that aren’t somewhat appealing you run the risk of becoming agitated, aggravated and snarky which will not help your situation and will fracture your relationship with your aging parents.
So how do you do this? First, really think about what you have the time and energy for and what you will be able to tolerate and enjoy.
This table may give you a jumping off place to brainstorm ideas. If you can include your elderly parents, other caretakers and your family members even better.
What are your aging parents' interests that they are no longer able to engage in or do?
How can you modify those interests to meet their current needs?
As a caretaker what is your capacity for engaging in their interests?
You might be wondering why you need to consider ways to connect with your parents. Isn’t meeting their basic needs enough….Well not really. I would argue that a sense of connection contributes to your aging parents' satisfaction as they become more and more dependent on others. Take a look at this version of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Not familiar with Abraham Maslow’s work take a look here https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html
The other benefit of connecting with your parents is that when you have to set limits, say “no” or put boundaries in place for their wellbeing you have a better chance that they will be more cooperative because they feel connected.
Check out the One-Eighty Bookend Technique that I created to help you communicate and connect with your parents more effectively. You can grab it here PLUS you will get occasional emails with caretaking tips, insights and updates.
Here is a list of 10 strategies that are relatively easy to adapt for adult children and caretakers communicating with elderly parents
Storytelling Sessions:
Organize regular storytelling sessions where your parents can share their life stories and valuable life lessons. Storytelling nurtures a sense of belonging and creates a bond between generations.
Mentorships:
Encourage interactions that pair your elderly parents with younger people. This exchange of knowledge and skills can be mutually beneficial. Younger family members or community youth can learn from the your parents' life experiences, while they can learn about modern trends and ideas.
Gardening:
Community gardens provide a space for people of all ages to come together, cultivate plants, and share gardening tips. If they are not able to go to a community garden consider a small plot or container garden at their home. Gardening offers physical and mental health benefits, contributing to an improved quality of life for your aging parents.
Arts and Crafts:
Organize art and craft activities where your parents can be creative. Whether it's painting, coloring, pottery, or crafting, these activities offer an opportunity for self-expression and the chance to create works of art that can be enjoyed or shared with others.
Teaching:
Create opportunities where seniors can share their expertise with your, your kids or others in the younger generation. Do they cook traditional dishes or play musical instruments? Maybe they’re knowledgeable about chemistry or are master woodworkers. This sharing of knowledge allows older people feel valued and respected for their skills.
Volunteer:
Seniors citizens often have a strong desire to give back to their communities. Provide them with volunteer opportunities that build on their strengths, skills and interests. Whether it's reading to children at a local preschool, participating in food drives, or assisting in organizing events, these activities enable your aging parents to stay active and engaged while making a meaningful contribution.
Cultural Celebrations:
Many elderly people are keepers of cultural traditions that might be fading away in the modern world. They miss the times they gathered with old friends and family as they age. Consider organizing opportunities for them to celebrate their history. These celebrations will preserve your family’s cultural heritage but will also educate the younger generation about their roots.
Virtual Gatherings:
For elderly parents who may have physical limitations or live in remote areas, virtual social gatherings can be a lifeline. You may have to set it up or get another caretaker to do it but consider using video conferencing tools to host virtual happy hours, game nights, book clubs, or even exercise classes. Though digital connections are not the same as in person connections they will minimize the social isolation of your aging parents.
Home-Based Activities:
Consider activities that can be enjoyed from the comfort of one's home. Setting out craft kits, puzzles, or even audiobooks can provide your parents with a way to engage their minds and keep boredom at bay, especially during times when mobility might be limited.
Pet Interactions:
Pets can bring immense joy and comfort to individuals, especially seniors who may be living alone. Many of your aging parents are not able to care for a pet. If that is the case consider looking in to organizations that will bring in trained therapy animals to provide companionship and alleviate feelings of loneliness. There may even be a neighbor that will bring their pet over for a visit.
Be creative and think out of the box. Connecting with your aging parents involves addressing the challenges of social isolation, physical limitations, and mental health concerns. By implementing these strategies you can create connections and memories with your parents.
Have fun!
Edla
NOTE: It's important to remember that aging is a highly individualized process, and the timing and progression of these stages can vary among individuals. Additionally, lifestyle factors, genetics, and overall health play significant roles in how individuals experience aging.
