Guilt About Elderly Parents and Their Needs
Breaking Free from the Guilt Trap: Tips for Adults Sandwiched between Their Lives and the Needs of Their Aging Parents
Hey Friend!
Do you ever feel guilty after you have avoided your parents? Maybe you’ve told a little white lie? Have you ever not picked up the phone when you saw it was them?
YEP, me too!
THE GUILT that accompanies interactions or lack of interactions with our aging parents is powerful!
The versions of guilt associated with adult children and their aging parents is varied but persistent, invasive, and grueling
I felt guilty when I would raise my voice in frustration or when I would focus on what other people thought I SHOULD be doing or not doing for my elderly parents
I had most feelings of guilt when it came to my mother. She would go round and round on a topic or call barking orders at me. I know this was because she had so little control, mobility and independence but ugh!
I felt like I was being verbally punched! My instinct was to verbally punch back then…
HELLO GUILT!
Hey I knew this wasn’t cool! I coach adult children of aging parents for a living BUT you know...
Caring for our aging parents is pervasive, challenging work and some days we just don’t do it well.
These are my top 3 tips for avoiding and managing feelings of guilt about elderly parents:
Identify how much time you can engage your parent without getting frustrated then take a break after that amount of time (for me it was 1.5 hours…)
Focus on the small wins (the acts of kindness, effort you put in…)
Take time for yourself even if it is only 10-15 minutes (you’ll be less resentful and more patient)
Keep scrolling if you need more ideas👇
For some of you reading blogs and doing internet searches is not enough to help with the day to day challenges and feelings associated with the guilt you feel toward your aging parent.
If you feel like you need more education and personal support you’ll benefit from the One-Eighty group program.
The emotional struggle associated with caregiving is a sign of the guilt we feel with our aging parents
It’s a complex combination of anxiety, stress, and a pervasive sense of guilt and inadequacy. As your aging parents' needs increase and the demands on your time and emotions increase, caregivers often find themselves struggling to manage their emotional well being.
Anxiety becomes a constant companion
The fear of not doing enough, of failing to meet the needs of your aging parents, or making a critical error in decision-making can lead to heightened anxiety. The uncertainty of the future, coupled with the emotional toll of watching the decline of your parents can keep you on pins and needles.
Stress becomes a prevailing force
The juggling act of managing your career, home life, and the ongoing needs of your aging parents can result in overwhelming stress. The pressure to “do it all right” in every role can lead to burnout, affecting not only your mental wealth but also your physical health.
Feelings of inadequacy
It’s common for adult children to struggle with being unable to live up to the expectations they have set for themselves or those perceived from society and family. The constant comparison to a perfect version of caregiving can increase feelings of inadequacy.
Change and grief take an emotional toll
Witnessing the physical or cognitive decline of your aging parents can lead to grief and a sense of powerlessness. The change in the parent-child relationship, where you become the caretaker, can trigger feelings of guilt as the roles reverse.
How to Overcome the Guilt of Dealing with Your Aging Parents
While guilt may seem like a huge burden, it's important to recognize that overcoming it is not only possible but also vital for your well-being as an adult child caring for aging parents. Here are actionable steps and strategies to navigate the path towards emotional relief:
Setting Realistic Expectations:
One of the first steps in overcoming guilt is to set realistic expectations for yourself. Accepting that perfection is unattainable and that caregiving comes with challenges allows caregivers to redefine success on their terms. Recognizing personal limitations and understanding that it's okay not to have all the answers can be a liberating realization.
Embracing Support Systems:
Building a robust support system is instrumental in alleviating guilt. This can include seeking help from family, friends, or even professional caregivers. Acknowledging that it's not a sign of weakness to ask for assistance, and that delegating certain responsibilities doesn't diminish the love or dedication towards aging parents, is a crucial mindset shift.
Prioritizing Self-Care:
Self-care isn't a luxury; it's a necessity for caregivers. By prioritizing your own well-being, adult children can break free from the guilt trap. This involves recognizing personal needs, taking breaks, and engaging in activities that bring joy and relaxation. A caregiver who is mentally and physically healthy can provide better support to their aging parents.
I know it can be hard to fit self-care into your daily life, so that’s why I’ve created “Self-Care Snacks”, or bite-sized self care strategies that you can experience in about 5-10 minutes. These 15 self-care snacks are perfect for when you’re on the go and just need a little “me” time.
Celebrating Small Wins:
The caregiving journey is often long so it's essential to celebrate small victories. Recognizing and appreciating the efforts put into caring for your aging parents helps build a positive mindset. Every act of love, no matter how seemingly insignificant, contributes to the well-being of aging parents.
Seeking Professional Guidance:
Guilt can sometimes be deeply rooted and complex, requiring professional guidance. Therapy or group programs provide a safe space for caregivers to explore and address their emotions. Professionals can offer coping strategies, tools for communication, and a non-judgmental environment to express and process feelings of guilt. (Click here to read about the One-Eighty Group Program)
Overcoming guilt is a transformative process that involves reshaping perspectives, seeking support, and embracing self-compassion. By implementing these strategies, you can overcome your guilt and foster a healthier dynamic in the adult child-aging parent relationship.
Don’t hesitate to reach out with any questions,
Edla
NOTE: It's important to remember that aging is a highly individualized process, and the timing and progression of these stages can vary among individuals. Additionally, lifestyle factors, genetics, and overall health play significant roles in how individuals experience aging.
